Men who pretend to be nice but actually aren’t usually these 7 subtle behaviors, says psychology

From the Personal Branding Blog

Some men seem charming, considerate, and kind—until you start noticing the cracks. They say the right things, do small acts of kindness, and might even go out of their way to make a good impression. But something feels off.

The truth is, some men aren’t actually nice—they just know how to play the part.

Psychology shows that certain subtle behaviors can reveal their true nature, even when they try to hide it. These aren’t the obvious red flags; they’re the quiet warning signs that most people overlook.

If you’ve ever had a gut feeling that someone wasn’t as nice as they seemed, chances are you were picking up on one of these behaviors. Here are seven signs to watch for.

1) They make jokes at your expense

At first, it seems harmless. A little teasing here and there, maybe a sarcastic comment that makes others laugh. But if you pay attention, you’ll notice a pattern—these “jokes” always come at your expense.

Psychology calls this negging—a subtle way of lowering someone’s self-esteem while disguising it as humor. It’s a tactic used to maintain control, making you second-guess yourself while they get to play it off as “just kidding.”

A truly nice guy doesn’t need to put you down to be funny. If a man constantly makes you the punchline, especially in front of others, it’s not kindness—it’s manipulation disguised as charm.

2) They agree with you too much

It seems like a good thing at first. He’s always on your side, nodding along, agreeing with everything you say. No arguments, no disagreements—just pure harmony.

But here’s the catch: real people have real opinions. When someone agrees with you all the time, it’s not because they genuinely see eye to eye with you—it’s because they want to stay in your good graces.

Psychology calls this mirroring, a tactic used to build trust quickly by reflecting your thoughts and emotions back at you.

At first, it feels validating. But over time, you start to notice that he never takes a real stance on anything. And when things get tough? That agreeable facade cracks, and suddenly, he’s not so “nice” anymore.

3) They do “nice” things, but only when people are watching

Some guys love to put on a show. They’ll open doors, offer to pay for dinner, or go out of their way to help—but only when there’s an audience.

In private, it’s a different story. The thoughtful gestures disappear, and suddenly, that considerate guy isn’t so considerate anymore. Psychology refers to this as impression management—a way of controlling how others perceive them while doing the bare minimum when no one is looking.

I talk about this kind of behavior in Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, especially how it connects to codependency.

When someone’s kindness feels performative, it can make you question your own standards for what real care and support should look like. And the truth is, genuine kindness doesn’t need an audience—it just is.

4) They apologize, but nothing ever changes

Apologies are easy. Change is hard. And some men have mastered the art of saying “I’m sorry” without ever actually meaning it.

At first, it sounds sincere. He acknowledges what he did, promises to do better, and maybe even throws in a little self-deprecating humor to lighten the mood. But then—it happens again. And again. The same mistakes, the same apologies, the same cycle.

A real apology isn’t just words—it’s action. If he keeps saying sorry but never actually changes, he’s not being nice. He’s just keeping you around long enough to let it happen again.

5) They give you compliments that don’t feel like compliments

• “You’re not like other girls.”
• “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be this smart.”
• “You actually look really good today.”

Some men disguise criticism as flattery. On the surface, it sounds like a compliment, but something about it feels… off. That’s because these kinds of statements aren’t meant to lift you up—they’re meant to make you feel lucky he noticed you at all.

I’ve had my fair share of these so-called “compliments,” and I’ll be honest—when I was younger, I used to fall for them. I thought being “different” or “surprising” was a good thing.

But over time, I realized that real compliments don’t come with a hidden insult. They don’t make you question yourself. They just make you feel good.

6) They play the victim when you call them out

The moment you bring up something that upset you, he sighs, looks hurt, and suddenly—you’re the bad guy.

Instead of listening, he turns the situation around. Maybe he had a rough day. Maybe he’s “just trying his best.” Maybe you’re too sensitive. Before you know it, you’re the one apologizing, even though he was the one in the wrong.

A truly nice guy takes responsibility for his actions instead of making excuses or guilt-tripping you for having standards. If every conversation about his behavior somehow ends with you comforting him, that’s not kindness—that’s manipulation.

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7) They make you feel guilty for having boundaries

A truly nice guy respects your boundaries. A fake one makes you feel bad for having them.

Maybe he pouts when you say no. Maybe he jokes about how “difficult” you are when you stand your ground. Maybe he acts distant or cold until you cave. It’s subtle, but the message is always the same: Your needs are inconvenient to him.

Here’s the raw truth—if a man can’t handle your boundaries, it’s because he benefits from you not having any. Nice isn’t about grand gestures or sweet words; it’s about respect.

And if he only respects you when it’s easy for him, then he never really respected you at all.

Why “nice” isn’t always what it seems

We’re often told to look for a “nice guy.” Someone polite, considerate, and well-mannered. But as we’ve seen, nice can be an act. A performance. A way to gain approval without the substance of real kindness underneath.

True kindness isn’t about saying the right things or putting on a charming front—it’s about consistency, respect, and integrity. It’s about how someone treats you when there’s nothing to gain, no eyes watching, and no immediate reward for their actions.

If you’ve ever found yourself doubting your instincts about someone who seemed too nice, you’re not alone. It’s easy to confuse charm with character, especially when someone knows exactly how to play the part.

But recognizing these subtle behaviors gives you the power to see people for who they really are—not just who they pretend to be.

For a deeper dive into understanding relationships and finding the right kind of partner—someone who’s genuinely kind, not just performing—it’s worth checking out this video by Justin Brown.

He shares valuable insights about choosing a compatible partner and the lessons he learned from his own experiences:

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