Chapter Spotlight: Why Should I Follow Culture?, in "Grow in the Dark" by Amy Love

Life’s challenges continued to shape Love’s journey as her relationship with Gray evolved following her pregnancy. Financial concerns dominated their decisions, particularly regarding healthcare. “The absence of insurance coverage prompted us to be extra vigilant about labor costs,” Love recalls. “Given the circumstances, we had to find an Asian obstetrician willing to accept a lump-sum payment for a natural labor delivery.”

Their approach to finances mirrored Love’s upbringing: “As a couple, and using practices I had adopted from my parents, we embarked on the journey of making good financial choices together.” This parallel to her past brought unexpected reflection: “Often, I wonder how I ended up stepping into an almost identical life pattern that I witnessed my mother going through since I was a child, even when I vowed to not repeat it.”

Their unmarried status created additional complications. Without marriage benefits, medical expenses mounted significantly—”A bill of $3,800.00 arrived in the mail for my emergency room visit, highlighting the medical expenses that were not covered by his insurance.” This situation prompted Gray to propose marriage, presenting practical arguments for their union.

“He was on a two-year work visa sponsored by his company, while my travel visa allowed only a six-month stay,” Love explains. “His proposal involved adding me to his green card and citizenship application process, thereby eliminating the need for visa extensions.” His reasoning extended beyond practicality: “He began to convince me, expressing that I was the one he wanted to spend his life with—that I was his only family in this foreign land.”

Love found herself torn between emotional readiness and cultural expectations. “While I recognized that I was not ready for this dramatic change in my life since the whirlwind of becoming a mother unexpectedly took toll on my life, the last thought that surfaced was deeply rooted in my traditional culture. I desired to return home alongside him with our cherished child as a married couple, so I wouldn’t bring shame to me and my family.”

The engagement ring selection became a poignant symbol of cultural clash. “Among them, a ruby ring immediately caught my attention; red was not only the color which represented luck for the Chinese New Year, but it was also one of my favorite color,” Love shares. However, Western traditions intervened: “As I shared my preference with him, he informed me that rubies were not customary for engagement rings within Western culture. He suggested that I search for a diamond instead.”

This compromise reflected broader challenges in her new life: “I was navigating a new country with a new lifestyle, immersing myself in unfamiliar customs and ways of reality, all while adjusting to the subtle respectful and gentle communication with a soft-spoken voice.” The rapid succession of changes left little time for processing: “The pace of events left little time for me to process one occurrence before another unfolded.”

The diamond ring became a metaphor for cultural adaptation: “I recognized that it wasn’t his fault; rather, it was the cultural expectations that clashed with my desires.” Love’s acceptance of the less-desired ring reflected a deeper understanding about life’s compromises: “I was very aware that I was not always going to get what I wanted in life from my past experiences.”

As Allen Ginsberg observed, “Whoever controls the media, the images, controls the culture.” Love’s experience demonstrated how cultural norms shape not just social expectations but personal choices, even in matters as intimate as symbols of love and commitment.

Experience more stories of cultural adaptation and personal growth in “Grow in the Dark” by Amy Love. Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Google,  iTunes & Kobo.