Ever Before Me…

Theology and Politics from a Conservative, Biblical Perspective

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Before I get into the main topic of this article, I wanted to highlight a couple of things quickly. First, I’m grateful for my readers who send me articles and videos to review. Obviously, I cannot review them all, but I try to get through most of them and I usually find something that helps flesh out a subject I’m interested in writing about.

One reader sent me a video on CECOT The Mega Prison Full of Deadly Gangsters in El Salvador.[1] It’s an eleven and a half minute video of the inside of the prison and how prisoners there spend their days. All will die there because there is no chance of parole.

In my previous article Virtue Signaling is All that Remains[2], I mentioned author Chris Turner wrote a short article in The Baptist Paper, where he talked about how Christians should embrace the fact that so many people are illegally here and as Christians, reach out to them, hopefully to see their conversion to Christianity and after they are deported, to bring the Gospel to the lost in their home nations. It’s interesting though how many illegal aliens who come to this country claim to already be Christian.[3]

The video regarding CECOT, while being an extremely uncompromising prison to be housed in, provides a few opportunities for the many gangsters in it. One such opportunity is to sit cross-legged on the floor outside their cells and listen to a preacher present them with the Gospel message. I was not aware that this was taking place so I’m very glad it was pointed out to me. I recall doing jail ministry myself (as I previously mentioned), and Bibles were made available to any inmate who wanted one as well as the opportunity to hear the Gospel. That’s the whole purpose.

I would also contend that while prior to incarceration in CECOT, their willingness to even consider their own spiritual need was likely non-existent. Now, however, considering the fact that they are housed in CECOT, with no chance of parole and understand they will ultimately die in that prison gives at least some of them pause for concern. So, in all things, God provides opportunities for the lost to hear His Gospel message.

Another reader sent a link to a video capturing very strange things happening in Europe and specifically in Germany. Here is a just under six minute video of part of a soccer game match in Germany. The title/heading is Kaiserslautern FC German Football Team Summons Lucifer.[4] In the video, you’ll hear Germans chanting something. You’ll also see a banner along the bottom of the stands on the left in the video “Ad lucen nos trahe orbem mundi regna surge ex abyss, sume animas nostras.” Apparently, this in Latin is a call to Lucifer to “Draw us to the light, world of kingdoms, arise from the abyss, take our souls.” Please notice the image of Satan himself seemingly rising up from the stands on the left, following the image of a bright red pentagram symbol.

Many fans in the arena begin another chant and seem happy enough to be part of it. Right around the 3:28 minute mark, Satan begins his rise allegedly from the abyss. Again, people seem excited about it and ultimately applaud and cheer loudly as Satan’s rising becomes more clear.

This is likely the way Antichrist himself will be received by most of the world when he rises somewhere in Europe or the Middle East. The Bible says he will be loved and followed. He’ll have things to offer that no other leader in history has had, though people like Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini and others were able to attract millions who loved and followed these men. I believe Antichrist’s power and charisma will fully eclipse all other dictators in history.

Moving on, I’ve titled this article Ever Before Me… because what I have been through this past few weeks has caused me to realize that sin is never far behind me. Last week was especially difficult because of my own failure to do what is right, to do the things that honored God. The first part of last week I took off from work because of the stress I was under. That stress, I’ve realized since, has to do with Silvia’s health, dating back to her medical emergency incident on February 16th. You’ll recall she was taken by ambulance to Emergency with what doctors told us was an active heart attack.

Even though she did not thankfully die (and they’re not sure she had an actual heart attack), we made it home after she was discharged from the hospital and simply went on with life. The problem for both of us is that we never really dealt with the feelings of grief/loss due to her medical emergency. While believers know that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:8), the reality is that when that actually hits home with a near-death incident or an actual death, there are stages of grief we go through and hopefully come out the other side stronger.

My problem (and my wife’s), is that neither of us really worked through her near-death situation. We thought the best approach was to just go on with life. However, I vividly recall the first few days after we arrived home that I didn’t really want to leave the house for fear of returning to find my wife dead or dying.

So, since February 16th, the stress (not necessarily between us, though there was some of that), from the initial situation and not really knowing what would occur following it, continued to build up. This building up was somewhat relentless and because of that, I began to notice it definitely affected my outlook in a negative way. I’d lost a good portion of my ability to laugh and have fun. I had become much more serious and even somewhat more impatient. People who have gone through the process of losing a dearly loved spouse can likely testify to the fact that it’s not pleasant and takes time to get over. Like any type of wound or injury, injuries to our spiritual or emotional health take time to heal as well.

In all reality, I probably should have taken the entire last week off from my part-time job. Instead I only took Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off and I was actually dreading going back. Unfortunately, it showed. In essence, I failed miserably because I didn’t want to be there. The stress had been piling up and to add to it, we had guests here that same week. It was a handful really.

Long story short, I went into my boss and explained the situation; how because of the stress regarding Silvia’s situation, I did not feel I could do the job to the best of my ability. So, I completed a resignation form and quit. I honestly wish I had quit several weeks before instead of simply trying to muscle through.

Of course, a guilty conscience started attacking me immediately and I began to feel as though between the stress not dealt with and the addition of guilt for not having the right attitude at work, I was a complete failure as far as my Christian testimony was concerned.

The other morning during concerted prayer, a verse came into my mind, where David says “And my sin is always before me” (Psalm 51:1-3).

1 To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David when Nathan the prophet went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba. Have mercy upon me, O God, According to Your lovingkindness; According to the multitude of Your tender mercies, Blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, And cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I acknowledge my transgressions, And my sin is always before me.

We’re all familiar with David’s moral failures here. He not only committed adultery with another man’s wife, but also had her husband Uriah the Hittite killed in battle in an attempt to cover his failure/sin. My sin had nothing to do with this type of moral failure, yet I still sinned.

I thought about David’s reaction and his desire to have his sins blotted out, to be washed thoroughly from his iniquity and to be cleansed from his sin. Commentators believe this occurred just prior to the birth (and death), of Bathsheba’s child. During those months, he had apparently hardened his heart toward God and his own moral failures. Yet, the Psalm shows the process that David finally went through in order to regain the closeness with God he had experienced prior to his sins.

In verse 3, David flatly states, “For I acknowledge my transgressions.” Put another way, he was saying he understood what he had done wrong, but it wasn’t until the prophet Nathan came to him with a parable that David’s eyes were finally opened to the truth of his own iniquity.

David finally realizes how horrible his sins had been. According to one commentary, “The phrase ‘For I know my transgressions’ indicates a level of self-awareness that we all must reach in our spiritual journey. Acknowledging our mistakes is a vital step toward healing and restoration. When we can admit that we have fallen short in our actions and thoughts, we open ourselves up to God’s mercy.“[5]

I had been dealing with the guilt of allowing Self to come to the fore and create sin. It was ridiculous but at the time, it seemed in spite of my prayers, nothing held me back. While I can lay the blame on the stress that seemed to control me, the truth of the matter is that I was still culpable and needed to be aware of that.

I was actually becoming painfully aware of my sin and because of it, I began thinking while God might forgive me, He was angry with me. This was certainly true to a degree, but there were several things I failed to see that Psalm 51 brought out and helped me embrace.

I was desperate for His forgiveness and kept telling Him how sorry I was for my demeanor. But it was not until I began reading more about what Psalm 51 actually means that I began to understand that as David went through the process of regaining closeness with God, He wanted that same thing for me. I then realized that acknowledging my mistakes in a very heartfelt manner was actually the first step in coming back to Him to receive healing and restoration. Until this realization, I was actually stuck at that spot. God wasn’t pushing me away. He wasn’t keeping me at arm’s length. He wanted me back in fellowship and there was only one way for that to happen. I had to be willing to fully acknowledge my sin. I was actually at that point and had been for several days.

Because I had been doing this, I then realized that I was standing before Him relying totally on His mercy. Without God’s mercy, prompted by His love for us, there would be no way to leave our sin behind or find forgiveness. The next portion of the commentary provided more insight (emphasis added).

The second part of the verse, ‘and my sin is always before me,’ illustrates the burden we carry when we are consumed by guilt. It represents the weighing down of our spirit by the knowledge of wrongdoing. When we continue to contemplate our sins, it becomes challenging to move forward. But this struggle can lead us to a greater understanding of God’s grace and the forgiveness He offers through repentance.

I realize I had been stuck at contemplating my sin with no way of knowing what to do next. I was not realizing that the struggle I faced was designed to lead me to God’s grace and full forgiveness through my repentance. We know that we need to repent to become a Christian initially. But we should also know that we need to develop an attitude of repentance in our lives or we will never move on with Christ.

Repentance is not merely feeling sorry for what we’ve done; it’s a commitment to change. We are recognizing that sin is a deviation from God’s purpose for us, and it impacts every aspect of our lives, breaking our fellowship with Him.

Why does God allow us to mess up, to sin, sometimes egregiously like David? Ultimately, it’s all about humbling ourselves and the first step to humbling ourselves is to recognize that we messed up and that God has the only answer. He may not remove the consequences of our sinful actions/words, but He always wants us to move back toward Him and the only way that can be accomplished is by humbly repenting of the sins we know we have committed.

The absolute truth here is that I’m tired of my sin nature. I’m tired of committing sin and no matter how much God might conform me to the image of His precious Son in this life, I will never be perfect until after I die. In some way, sin will always be part of the equation here and Paul knew that as well, when he talked about doing what he didn’t want to do and the desire to be freed from his body of death (Romans 7).

David’s plea serves as an important reminder for us—being aware of our sins should prompt us to turn to God for grace and mercy. Every time we confess our sins, we acknowledge our need for God’s help to overcome them.

If we never acknowledge our sin, we will never move closer to Him. He knows we will sin, but our job is not ignore it when we do. Instead, we should be willing to feel discomfited by it, with the knowledge that rightly viewing our sinful acts as abhorrent to God will cause us to throw ourselves on His mercy, instead of thinking that He hates our guts because we failed.

The Christian’s repentance should happen every time we sin. It should affect us to our core and it seems that the closer we draw to God and then sin, the greater the guilt may be. But God uses that guilt to bring us back to Him because He and He alone can forgive and cleanse. He wants to give us His forgiveness, but only with actual repentance.

When we are burdened by guilt, it can cloud our judgment and impede our joy in life. Acknowledging this emotional toll is crucial in our battle against sin.

Importantly, what can seem daunting at first can serve ultimately as a path to freedom and peace. Recognizing our sins is an alarm that prompts us to address them. It urges us to lean into our relationship with God, allowing His light to shine through our darkest moments and help us break free from guilt’s oppressive grasp. This relationship is the core of our faith and becomes transformational in our lives, propelling us to seek holiness.

So the end goal here is to turn away from sin so that God can transform our lives to be more in line with the holiness He desires for us. That does not mean that the more we sin, the more holy we can become. It simply means that we will sin in this life (no one is exempt and everyone has their own sinful tendencies), but the guilt from our sin should compel us to reach out to God in true repentance and faith.

[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I34FnQSXpw8

[2] https://studygrowknowblog.com/2025/04/04/virtue-signaling-is-all-that-remains/

[3] https://apnews.com/article/trump-administration-migrants-deportation-christians-93851e15c2bae32b6ab89f4108cc6d82

[4] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d09AePyDLjg

[5] https://scripturesavvy.com/psalms-51-3/

Theology and Politics from a Conservative, Biblical Perspective

Source: https://studygrowknowblog.com/2025/04/08/ever-before-me/